Chasing Mr. Wrong

I have officially been in New York for exactly three months today, and oddly enough I have dated more people in these three months than I have dated in my lifetime. However, the more I date, the more I find Mr. Wrong.

Let us begin with the guy that I have serial dated since last summer, Creepy Dave. he is like the flesh and blood equivalent of a DKNY dress--I know it's not my style, but it's right there, so I try it on anyway. He is successful and good looking and tall, all things that are on my "must have" list for a potential, but that is obviously not enough. On a side note, Creepy Dave isn't really creepy. He is a very nice, sweet, and thoughtful person. The only thing that put him in the creepy category was the fact that he referred to me as his girlfriend last summer after I had just exited a relationship, and it was apparent that I was not ready for that (he also knew I was fresh out of a relationship).

Things that bother me about this faux-lationship with Creepy Dave:

1. He never attended college. I know this makes me sound super snooty falootie, but it is just something that irks me a little bit. I realize that college is not for everyone, but it was a very big part of my life, and he just can't understand my obsession with some aspects of college.
2. He is on a health and fitness kick. This means that he works out twice a day, which I can respect, but he won't eat any sweets or drink any alcohol. If you haven't realized yet from the previous posts that those are integral aspects of my life then you need to not read so deeply into what I write. Well-known fact about me--if I want to show you that I care about you or feel like I need to apologize for something, I will bake for you. I will bake a lot for you. My happiness revolves around baking and if you are unwilling to even humor me in trying just a bite, then we will obviously not make it very long. Baking is my life, everything else is just details.
3. He goes camping. Now this isn't what you think. I actually LOVE camping. I love setting up tents, building fires, drinking beer, going fishing, eating out of a skillet, getting dirty. Next to baked goods, there is no greater smell in the world than a campfire. So, the fact that he goes camping is not the issue. It is where and why he goes camping. He camps at Renaissance festivals. Oh yes. Crazy sophomore English teacher Ms. Jernegan type Renaissance festivals. And it's not like he's just a turkey leg in hand enjoyer of such festival, no, he dresses up! He will wear a suit of armor and participate in the community fights! Are you a normal human being?!?! My instinct says no.

I'm sure after reading these three points, you can understand why he is obviously a Mr. Wrong for me, but there is one more thing that just sends me over the edge. Get ready for it...

4. He wears graphic tees! Not cool, fun, I'm a kid of the 80s graphic tee, but I can totally see him being the Ed Hardy type. Ummm, no thank you. I'm more of a polo and Sperry's kind of girl, and if you want to throw in a southern swoop, well then, this would be love. A graphic tee... never going to cut it for me.

Let us move on to candidate number two, The Bodster. If you haven't caught on already, Bodie is a bar owner and definite ladies man. He loves to flirt, give out free drinks, request blow jobs, take random girls to his office, yet always seems to return to texting me with his tail between his legs. Why is this? I will never be able to explain.

Here are a few reasons that there will be nothing between me and The Bodster beyond a casual makeout and free drinks:

1. He's a bar owner. Do I need to explain myself anymore? This pretty much screams, "I'm a player, and I will hook up with a hundred girls and I don't care." He may be beautiful to look at and he may be loaded with his pretty house in the Hamptons, but I prefer to check the STD at the door.
2. He too is a health nut. Meaning fried food and sweets are out of the question, but at least he drinks, and he drinks a lot!
3. He owns a Gator bar. This is really the only thing that I need to be competely turned-off by him. I will drink your free booze, but I will never support the Gators!

Though Creepy Dave and The Bodster are the two not-so-fine gentlemen that I have frequently been spotted with, I have found my way into other awkward dating situations.

Let's take Software Engineer Rob. Oh, he was precious. As precious as a, well, software engineer. Let's begin with my fear of dating situations for the fact that a typical date consists of a dinner, and being the world's pickiest eater, going out with someone that I have not established some type of prior friendship with who will recognize my aversion to many types of foods creates great anxiety for me. Precious Rob obviously didn't know this about me. He took me to a Tapas restaurant... that only had fish on the menu. That is a major red light. I don't eat any type of fish. Poor thing, he felt terrible. He was nice enough, but of course I never called him back. Oh, and did I mention that he showed up to the date wearing jeans with cargo pockets on the sides and sneakers. Bless his heart.

Then there was Clayton. Blond southern swoop. Blue eyes. Tall. Polo shirt. Khaki shorts. Sperry's. Loves alcohol and sweets. It was love at first site. Turns out he was macking on me when he has a long distance girlfriend. Whomp whomp.

Then there was Ian that made me weary about getting on the train to go home from work for fear that he would be on the same car (it happened, and I wanted an invisibility cloak so that I could disappear).

Then there was Carlos. His name is Carlos, must I go on?

So, I'm three months in, and still nothing to show for it other than a few added pounds from all the free dinners. What is a girl to do?

xoxo,

E